Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Gender and Seuxality (Not a) Rant 2

Hello! Last November, I made a post titled Gender and Sexuality Rant. Unfortunately, it is titled terribly as it wasn't as much a rant as it was a "Coming Out" post, though it wasn't really supposed to be that. And to be completely honest with you, when I made that post I was very confused when it came to my own gender and sexuality. I also realized there was a lot of things I wanted to add on to, so I wanted to make this follow-up post to hopefully better explain myself than I did initially.


I came a little late to the whole "questioning your sexuality" thing. If you would have asked me what my sexuality was a year ago, I would have said I was straight. OF COURSE. NEVER BEEN ATTRACTED TO A GIRL BEFORE, I MUST BE STRAIGHT.

Around...February or March last year, I had my first experience of being attracted to a female person. (Way to phrase things...) It was a friend of mine who's transgender and annoyingly attractive no matter what your sexuality is.

I'm not going to go into any more detail about this because anyone who's friends with me in real life already knows exactly who I'm talking about....

I didn't exactly see this experience as "Oh you're not straight anymore". I really thought it was just a weird one time thing that wouldn't happen again.

What would my response be to the "What's your sexuality?" question back then?

Actually that's still my reaction.


So then high school happened. It seems like high school is where everyone comes out because they're too scared and insecure to do it in middle school/junior high (what it's called depends on your school). I kind of quickly realized that my sexuality depends almost entirely on other people's gender identity. Well...sort of.

What I really wish I had said in my original post was that I'M ACTRACTED TO FEMALES. A few months ago I was still in complete denial. I never cared about other people's sexualities, but my own? Oh no. I didn't want to think that I wasn't straight as a fucking stick (sorry for all the negatives XD).

I mean, I'm still a little in denial. I'd rather not think about it. Even though I'm forcing myself to right now, aren't I?

So I guess in a nutshell I'm sort of pansexual, but not really. Like, the idea of dating a girl? Eh... I think most of that is just me not being into girly things or girly people. Even my friends that are girls aren't particularly girly. Girls annoy me. (No offense, girls..)


So gender. I have a hell of a lot of transgender, gender-fluid, gender-confusing, etc. friends. I did mention this is my last post, but I'm going to say it again. I get a lot of "What's your gender?", "What are your pronouns?" type questions. I totally get why people ask these, but when I wrote my other post the idea of answering those types of questions made me incredibly uncomfortable.
To a certain extent, they still do. I don't really have a clear answer for the pronouns question, but I just use she/her because I don't want to be the person that makes the grammar nazis sad when they use they/them pronouns.
I think mostly gender just confuses me. If you want me to call you a guy and use male pronouns, and vise versa, I'll do it without much hesitation (confusion, but I try), but figuring out my own gender? WHERE DO I EVEN START WITH THAT?!?!?
I'm not really all that girly of a person, but I don't necessarily refuse to wear dresses or pink or whatever, it's just rare. I don't put my hair in a different style every day or wear piles of makeup. Or any. It's just not something I enjoy spending my time on... Then again, I don't think whether you're masculine or feminine really explains your gender. If anything, I just don't care.
I've never understood the idea of being transgender. Sure, I'll call you whatever you like, but what does it mean to be a guy or a girl? I don't even understand. I've never been the type to really claim the title of "girl" or "woman" because it never felt like me. I'm female, and I don't object to that idea, so does that make me a girl? I don't know.
Saying sentences like "I am a girl." never made any sense. What does that even mean? When I think of "girl" I usually think girly. Long hair and makeup and dresses. That's never sounded appealing to me. Does that mean I'm not a girl?
Many people use "woman" or "man" as such a defining characteristic of themselves. I never have. I'd never even thought about it before friends of mine came out as transgender.
Long story short, I just don't care. If you want to keep it simple, use female pronouns. I don't have any sort of problem with it. Would you feel better calling me a "they"? Knock yourself out. I wouldn't even mind male pronouns, but I would probably just be confused so I wouldn't recommend it.
The only person I've ever found with whom I've felt similarly about gender is Vi Hart, who made a YouTube video which I really understood and identified with... Basically she explained what I'm trying to explain now but better.
I feel like I need to use a gif to explain how I see picking (yes, it feels like picking to me) a gender/pronouns.
But also...

Coming Out

Even though my last post wasn't really supposed to be a coming out, it kind of ended up being just that. Before that post, I hadn't really talked about gender or sexuality with anyone besides some really close friends I talked to when I was still figuring things out. (I still am, but you know what I mean...) Because I'm all anonymous on here, it turned out to be a lot easier than it would be out loud with actual words. Even the real life friends I told were still over text so...obviously I'm just bad at conversations.
People always talk out coming out. It's never really been I thing I thought I would do, and I don't really want to either. Talking to my parents? *shudders*
It's not like my parents aren't except, they really are. Mostly my not being able to talk to them is just caused by my own anxiety.
I never understood coming out. Well, I understand if you're transgender (or whatever) and you want people to call you a different name or use different pronouns. But if you're gay (or whatever)? YOU START DATING SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX AND I THINK PEOPLE WILL GET THE IDEA.
I guess I have "come out" before. Actually, I "came out" to one of my friends a few days ago. The only reason it's in quotation marks is because I kind of assumed they knew..but apparently they didn't. So that's like coming out, right? That's how a lot of my friends came out to me...
"So you know I'm not straight, right?"
"Well, I do now.."
Most of my problems currently are that several months ago (when I was still in denial), I told people that I was straight. I guess I've never (officially) dated a female before, so people tend to assume that's how it is.
On another know how parents tend to "know" that their child is gay or trans or something?
Yeah, mine are clueless.
One day I'm going to introduce them to a girl and they are going to be so confused. I mean, if I brought home a guy I'm sure they'd ask, but if I bring home a girl? NO IDEA. What am I even supposed to do about that? HOW DO I EXPLAIN THESE THINGS?

Another Thing

I'm sure many of you have heard of Leelah Alcorn, the transgender girl that committed suicide a little over a year ago. What I'm pretty sure you're not aware of is my...close proximity to her. I feel like I have a pretty first-hand account of what happened.
I'm not going to claim to have known her, I didn't. But I have a lot of friends who knew her that were really affected by her death.
I definitely was as well, I mean, so many of my friends had come out that year, and to here about a trans girl killing herself? So close to home? I was terrified it would happen to someone I knew more personally. I had nightmares for weeks about one of my friends being convinced it was their time as well. Especially since so many of the transgender people I know are suicidal.
One positive thing did come out of Leelah's passing, though. My school now has a LGBTQ+ club (Gay-Straight Alliance, basically). Which, even though it's a common thing nowadays, did not previously exist before last year. It's pretty much a fact that it wouldn't have been formed without her. Not to mention that many of the staff are very supportive and are really trying to help with the teachers and administrators that...aren't. Curse me living in such a split state (Ohio) politically...
I'm so happy I was born in a time where LGBT people are mostly accepted. And I got to see it happen. I'm going to be telling the story about gay marriage becoming legal in the US to all of the generations that come after me.
I like to think about the kids that were born in the last couple of years. The ones that won't know a United States that said gay marriage was illegal. They'll look at gay marriage the way I look at allowing interracial marriages, an obvious thing. Why would it ever be illegal? How does that even make sense? I love that.
Sorry to get all long-term instead of staying personal, but it's a thing that I really needed to say.

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