Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Gender and Sexuality Rant

Gender and sexuality has become a major topic of discussion lately. And I have...um...some ranting to do about it.

I have absolutely no problem with people being themselves and doing whatever makes happy. Really. You do you.

However, as someone with quite a few non-straight/non-cisgender friends, I tend to get questions like what's your gender? and what's your sexuality? These questions, honestly, make me more uncomfortable than they probably should. Most of the reason being I haven't found actually specific words for my sexuality or gender (though it's closer with gender). It's one of those things I just don't know how to describe, and when you can't describe it, it's quite difficult talk about it.

I've been asked many questions about pronouns (since I don't have a word or anything). These kinds of questions...have always been a little hard for me to answer. I've always told people to just use she/her to avoid confrontation, confusion, questions, etc. But calling myself a girl or a woman or whatever always felt weird and uncomfortable and wrong. If you came up to me and asked what my gender was, I'd probably just say that I don't know or I don't care. But, I mean, I kind of do care.

The only words I've ever found are usually things like demigirl or agender. I guess mine tends to fluctuate between the two. But sometimes I don't feel like anything at all. I feel human, and that's it. Even agender seems like too much of a label. And demigirl just sounds horrible in the sense that I really hate the word. It really doesn't sound all that great.

Sexuality for me is both less and more confusing. I'm picky, but at the same time flexible. The word that is probably correct to describe this is polysexual, but I don't like to use that because it then brings up the question of exactly what are you attracted to? Polysexual meaning "being attracted to more than one gender" And then I sound a little strange.

My answer (if I actually ever called myself polysexual): males/guys, transgender guys, and agender people born male.

Now why exactly it's okay to be biologically female but a transgender guy but not okay to be biologically female but agender is unknown to me, it's just a thing.

You may be wondering, where does the ranting come into this? Well. Good question. Being asked what pronouns I use, what gender I am, my sexuality, whatever, makes me uncomfortable. It's usually a little hard to explain to people that I don't know. And I'd rather not tell you one thing, and then end up changing my mind later on.

Also, the amount of times I get asked those questions is insane and it really gets on my nerves.

Anyway, I'm just here to tell you to be careful when you ask someone a question like that. I can't be the only one bothered by these questions. And many people question their labels and identities a lot, or just change them out of the blue. Try to be accepting of that.

And finally, if someone tries to talk to you about their own gender/sexuality, if they're questioning it, try to understand them as best you can. Even if you don't necessarily understand or you aren't okay with it. The worse thing you can do is make them feel crazy. Basically, just make them feel human.

Thanks for reading!


  1. This is such a heartful post. I feel weird too when people ask me about this kind of stuff, mainly because I have a tendency to just give the answer I think they want to hear. We're all human. That alone should be more than enough.
    Great post :)
    ~Erika @ Books, Stars, Writing. And Everything In Between.

  2. I'm so sorry you feel this way! I'm cisgender, so I always try really hard to be respectful of people's pronouns, and the way I ask. I think I'm more knowledgeable than others, so I always try really hard to be as respectful as I can. As you say, we're all human - people just need to remember that! Thank-you so much for sharing this, it's so important :)

    Denise | The Bibliolater